Wednesday, August 5, 2015

Once Bitten, Twice Shy

There's this story about my childhood my dad has always loved to tell; a not so flattering story about my character I might add. See, apparently, I used to really enjoy biting my new baby sister.

I bit her any chance I could get. I was 2 and a half years old, and who knows what was going through my mind, but my dad was anxious to put a stop to it.

So, this one time, we were driving somewhere. In the back seat, my sister was strapped in secure right next to me, helpless to defend herself and no where to go. I bit her. She screamed, and I felt the wrath of our father. Some dad's threaten, "Don't make me pull this car over and come back there!" Well, my dad wasn't one for empty threats. He pulled the car over, walked over to my door, opened it, and bit me.

The memory is more of a foggy dream to me than anything, probably encouraged by the repetition of the story over the years. But one thing is fact: I never bit my baby sister again.

Today, I put the baby down on the floor to play next to Isaac. He smiled and made faces at her. All was well. I turned my back to look up a potential birthday gift for our soon to be 3 year old, online, and then it happened. I heard the blood curdling, tear inducing, heart breaking scream of an infant who had just been given a shot. I spun my chair around to a very concerned, very confused, very fearful for his bottom, 2 year old. He saw the anger in my face, knowing she would not scream like that for no good reason. I saw the mark on her cheek.

Isaac ran to me, "Mommy, she no like dat! She no like dat!"

I could hardly contain my anger. Isaac has been left alone in a room with Charlotte for a few minutes or more before. What on earth did he do?

"Isaac!" My accusatory tone was unmistakable. "What did you DO?!" I ran to her and immediately noticed the teeth marks in her cheek, prominent, already bruising. He was nervously silent, and I already had my answer.

"Did you bite her?!"


"Why would you bite her?!" Everything was a yell. I was so mad. How did such a sweet and happy boy inherit such a horrible trait...from me. It's possible I was even more angry at myself.

He didn't have an answer. I popped the back of his hand, "Go to your room!"

His heartbroken cry traveled all the way up the stairs while I cuddled my recovering, sniffling baby girl. Knowing my own history, I decided to take care matters before they continued. After a few moments of cooling down, I called Isaac back downstairs to apologize to his sister and explain to him how wrong that was. The problem with trying to talk and rationalize with him, is that his response to anything he doesn't quite understand is yes. Many conversations have gone like this:

"Isaac, is it nice to hit?"
"Yeths, it nice to-"

...and repeat. We've had that exchange so many times, I can't figure out if he's confused by the word, "not," doesn't understand the difference between "yes," and "no," or just enjoys pushing my buttons. He tends to hit when he's excited. Maybe he thinks they are playing. I don't know, but it's been a point of contention with us for a few months now.

So I sat him down, showed him Charlotte's boo boo, and told him how he hurt her. He had a look of concern on his face, but also confusion. I asked him to apologize.

"Sorwy, Charlotte," he said, after kissing her boo boo.

I asked, "You aren't going to bite her again, are you?"


"ISAAC, NO! It is not nice to bite!" I interrupted, frustrated. "That hurt her!"

He still seemed confused, "Sorwy, Mommy."

"Isaac, do you want me to bite you?"


I am so confused by his constant need to respond with this, but ok.

"Ok, I'm going to show you what it feels like to do what you did to Charlotte. I'm going to bite you on the cheek, ok."


I leaned over and gently bit until he yelled, "OW!" The tears began to flow. He looked betrayed. I didn't even leave a mark, but he understood that it hurt.

"That hurt, didn't it?"

Crying and wiping his tears he replied, "Yeths!"

"Now, are you ever going to bite Charlotte again?"

I braced myself for a repeat of my ongoing frustration when he cried, "Noooo."

I was heartbroken, but felt the mission had been accomplished. I hugged him and held him tight and told him how sorry I was that I had bit him. The rest of the day went on as usual.

I shared the events of the day with my husband upon his return home from work. I was aggravated, concerned, and confused by Isaac's response to the whole thing. We've talked about biting. He's heard me yell several times when Charlotte has clamped down while nursing. He would run to me and ask, "What wong, Mommy?" When I would explain to him what happened he would say, "She bite you like dis?" and clamp his teeth together, and I would say, "Yes," and explain how that hurts.

"So why would he think this was something she would like?" I asked while chatting with Jelani.

"Ohhhh, I know why he did that." Jelani went on to explain to me how they've played on the floor with Charlotte, together before, and he (Jelani) would 'nibble' her cheeks with his mouth.

My light bulb moment occurred as I remembered turning my back while he was playing in her face, making sounds, "booga booga boo," at her, just before the screaming. Guilt rushed over me like a waterfall. He is not even a smidgen of the horrible child I once was, just because he's mine. He thought he was playing, legitimately. His look of confusion at her response to his playful 'nibbling' was genuine. He thought that's exactly what Daddy was doing! His heartbroken confusion at my form of discipline was real and gut wrenching, and, as I cry while writing this, I have never felt worse.

Epic. Mommy. FAIL.

Jelani laughed, "Well, he'll never bite her again!" But I had to make things right. Or at least as right as I could.

We were going to the park for a walk, so before getting Isaac out of his car seat, I leaned over, "Isaac, when you bit Charlotte, were you trying to play with her? Like Mommy and Daddy do?"

"Yeths," he looked hesitant.

"Like this?" I asked, but as I leaned in to his cheek, he flinched and turned.


"I'm not going to bite you, Isaac," I said, with a broken heart. I munched his cheek with just my lips, and he smiled. "Is that what you were trying to do with Charlotte?" I asked.


I did it again on the back of his hand. "You can't use your teeth, ok? Just your lips."

"Ok, Mommy!" He was excited that we now seemed to understand each other.


"Yeths, Mommy?"

"I'm really sorry I bit you."

"It's ok, Mommy"

Before bed tonight, I asked Isaac if he wanted to nibble Charlotte's cheek with me. He still seemed hesitant, and honestly, as he approached her face, so did she, but we both nibbled her sweet little cheeks. Kisses and toddler slobber all over her teeth marked cheek brought a smile to her lips and her brother's, as he relished the chance at righting a wrong.

19 My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, 20 because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires. James 1: 19-20

Dear Jesus, 
Give me the wisdom to know when discipline is necessary, and when it is not. Help me to be much slower to anger, and never allow a necessary apology to go without saying.

Friday, June 26, 2015


Sometimes, motherhood is a cruel form of torture. You know the days I'm talking about. The days when there is no limit to the amount of times you can get puked on, pooped on, or screamed at; the kind of days you find yourself getting your first shower at midnight and intentionally staying up even later just to sit in quiet.

I used to be a people person. I've always required a fair amount of alone time to be able to function at my best, but I've always enjoyed people. Anymore, instead of wanting to make plans with friends, I dread them. I cringe when someone tries to set something up. Plans are so daunting. What if our day is going lousy? What if I want to back out? What if I'm too exhausted? What if the kids absolutely require a nap that day? Nope. Too bad. Suck it up. On the flip side of that, I have, on more than one occasion, really enjoyed a surprise play date. Spontaneity works well for me. Text me, call me, ask me if we have something happening that very day, and I may just take you up on something, but try to plan something with me days or weeks in advance, and I will almost always look for a reason that date won't work. It's not personal. It's just that some days require more intentional, do-the-bare-minimum nothingness than others.

And what's the bare minimum for a stay at home mom of 4, you ask? Well, it usually involves doing all the things I need to do every day in order for my household to function and my kids to live, but allows for me to remain in the same clothes I slept in the night before, and allows me to cuddle my baby longer than I might normally, while reading up about all of you on Facebook.

Yesterday was an I don't want to do anything important all day kind of day. The day before that was too, except that we had plans, so I sucked it up, and I was a miserable conversation partner for my poor, dear friend.

There are only so many times you can get puked on, so many times you can repeat the same dang sentence, and so many times you can get asked the same darn thing, before you inevitably snap. And it's not pretty. Y'all, I'm tired, and it has nothing to do with sleep. I have a 4 month old baby who has been sleeping all night since she was about a month and a half old. And not just all night, but 10 hours all night. I'm still not getting the full 8 or even 7 or really even 6, but my exhaustion is not from a lack of sleep, it's from the constant do-all-the-things days, because our level of functioning depends upon laundry getting done every. single. day. And dishes, oh the dishes! I spend roughly 10 full days a year just washing dishes. WASHING DISHES! And that isn't counting all the interruptions. The bare minimum cleaning tasks require a whole stinking day between all the times I have to feed someone. Oy.

So, yesterday my entire morning consisted of telling Isaac no or acknowledging him when he needed me to look at him do something, while trying to get a pukey, fussy baby to sleep.

- Mommy!
Yes, Isaac.
Yes, Isaac.
-Go outside?
No, not right now. Wait please.

Yes, Isaac.
-Put socks on?
We're not going outside right now. Please wait.

Meanwhile, Charlotte is screaming at me, clawing my chest, banging her head into my shoulder. She grabs a fistful of hair from the nape of my neck with the grip strength of a Marine, while using her other hand to strategically pull the burp cloth away from my skin, and promptly pukes right between my boobs.

Yes, Isaac.
-Put shoes on?
between clenched teeth, NOT. NOW.

While I'm cleaning up the spit up, Elijah comes in from outside, and utters the two most dreaded words of my day, the two, seemingly most harmless words you can imagine, that really do me in.

-I'm hungry.

It is never simply stated. It is always whined, as though they must be starving, as though I never feed them, as though they didn't just eat 10 minutes ago.

-Can I have something to eat?

And I. lose. my. mind.


Ok, so I hold it together a little bit better than that, and I start counting down the hours/minutes to when Jelani will be home, and I can pass the baby to him and claim sanctuary.

You know, that one place in the house where no one questions what you're doing in there, how long, or why?

The bathroom.

I don't care if all I have to do is pee. I'm taking the Kindle in with me, and I will sit there as long as I want. I turn that vent on, which sounds like a really old, rusty helicopter, and do a whole lot of nothing in there. I might do my squats, and some core work. I might brush my teeth an extra time. I might even clean. You don't know, and you won't ask, and if the baby cries? Well, that's just not my responsibility, is it? Not from in there! I relish that time alone.

And then, inevitably, there's a knock on the door.

-I'm hungry.

You had to your daddy, IN THE KITCHEN, to come up here and tell me that!!!!!!


Saturday, May 16, 2015

Our Children are Allowed to be Great

In less than a year, two different articles have popped up in my Facebook newsfeed multiple times about how sports, more specifically travel or "elite" sports, are evil. I'd like to say I have a completely unbiased opinion on this topic. But that would be a lie. I'd also like to lie and tell you that travel sports are completely peachy keen, peace is love, everybody's a winner, organizations. But they are not.

The reason for that is this: NOT EVERYONE IS A WINNER.

And before the smoke starts billowing out your ears, I mean that in a very broad, life is hard, you don't always get what you want, sense. Not that people are losers.

Life is full of tough lessons, and one of the toughest, and most powerful lessons is that you are not always going to get what you want, and if you want something badly enough you have to work for it, like really hard, and not just wish for it blowing out a magical candle while throwing a coin into a magic wishing well, while wishing on a shooting star. You get the idea.

One of the biggest issues I have with these articles are the huge, sweeping generalizations. There are tyrant coaches and parents. There are coaches and parents alike who are driven by greed and pride and money. But this is not true of the entire concept of travel teams or "elite" sports. These articles, Where the Elite Kids Shouldn't Meet and The Race to Nowhere in Youth Sports, are, much like just about any parenting article found on the internet, guilt tactics for parents doing things differently. You don't want your kids playing travel sports? OK. You don't want your kids to be a part of an "elite" sports team? FINE. Maybe your kid doesn't want that either, and that is ok. But maybe, just maybe, other kids do.

I was one of those kids. You couldn't lock me out of the gym, and even the most tyrant of coaches who cussed and yelled at me at age 11, couldn't get me to quit. Instead, I took notice that he only did that with the players he felt had collegiate potential, and I took it as a compliment. Positive to a negative, just like that. Did my parents reevaluate that particular program? Yes. And after the season had been completed, noting that this program did not uphold the same family values which were important to us, we took our talents elsewhere, so to speak. I say we, but really, that was all the greatness of my parents. I cried and cried about leaving those friends behind, but they truly knew and understood what was important, and I made new friends.

I was a good basketball player. No. Actually, I was pretty great.

That makes you mad, doesn't it? That irritates you, and gets under your skin just to read it, and you're debating now, whether you want to keep reading this piece of garbage blog, or tell me what a pompous, arrogant cuss word I am.

But here's the thing; our children are allowed to be great. We are allowed to tell them they are great, and acknowledge, nurture, and cultivate their talents, and ya know what? They are completely capable of knowing that they are great at something without being a pompous, arrogant cuss word. There are plenty of well adjusted, kind and humble, talented athletes out there. You just don't hear about them in the news because they aren't raping or beating women, and they're not abusing drugs. See how that works? It's been nearly 15 years since I was in the prime of my basketball career, and it's taken nearly that long for me to actually admit that I was good. I learned, at an early age, that people don't like you when you're really good at something, and the people who actually admit they're good at something deserve nothing but seething glares and unmasked contempt. So, as much as I wanted to be able to take a compliment without turning around and awkwardly commenting on one of my flaws, I wanted friends more. I wanted to be liked. Truth be told, my desire to be liked was so strong, that I believe, if not for my love and drive for basketball, I could have been susceptible to a lot of tragic teenage mistakes. Travel basketball was a safe place for me. I was mostly surrounded by a team of other girls who loved the sport as much as I did, and understood me; girls who wanted to play it more than just the average school basketball season, and we had fun

There's this misconception that if you are working that hard, it can't be fun. Not true. I learned that my hard work turned into fun. Newsflash: Winning is fun y'all! But we didn't always win. No. I learned a lot about losing. Which is why I take such issue with this next paragraph from the first article:

"We're nearing the point in youth sports where we need to stop the "elite" and "select" madness because we're raising a generation with too much self-esteem. They can't handle failure because they've been conditioned to believe they're too good to fail. They're being placed on teams that identify them as better than their peers on the whim of either a parent/coach or a businessman/coach."

Travel ball is exactly where I learned about failure. Playing against the best of the best is where I learned how to lose, where I learned how to appreciate the talent of others, where I learned that I wasn't the best, and where I learned that I wanted to get better. I played in a high school program that didn't lose a league game for 10 years. Even the referees wanted to see us lose. But when I traveled, I met more girls like me, who wanted to practice and constantly improve. Suddenly, I wasn't all that special. I was just another fish in the sea, getting my shot blocked by All-American athletes. It was through these "elite" programs that I learned about having a healthy level of competition where appropriate, and how to leave it on the court. I was friends with some of my competition, and I admired the talents of many players I played against who went on to play in the WNBA or the Olympics. We are living in a society that wants to teach kids about failure and losing, while also keeping them stagnant so that everyone is on a level playing field. If you want to teach kids that they aren't, in fact, the greatest, you need to show them what the best looks like. If you want to teach them about failure, you need to allow them to play against the best, and fail. You can't have it both ways. You can't simultaneously teach them about losing and failure, while not allowing them to opportunity to do so.

Also, with decent (not even exceptional) parenting, there are other ways to teach your children these things and still encourage them in their talents. Encourage them to try new things. Most people aren't instantly good at everything. To this day, I'm not sure if my dad encouraged me to play tennis because he genuinely wanted me to take a break and try something other than basketball, or because he felt the pressure of a community rumoring that he forced me to play basketball, not allowing me to do anything else. Either way, I went out for the tennis team my freshman year of high school, and I wanted to quit. Basketball, for me, was like learning how to walk. I'd been doing it so long, I didn't remember learning or ever being bad at it. Picking up a tennis racket at 14 taught me all about being bad at something. I went from being top of the league in basketball, to bottom of the league in tennis. I lost every. single. match my first year. I had a decision to make. I could either quit, learn to be ok with being bad, and just enjoy the bus rides and dinners out with my friends and teammates, or...OR I could apply what I had learned with basketball; the outcome of practice and hard work. It was a learning process, often uncomfortable, and often to the embarrassment of my parents. I stumbled through, throwing fits on the tennis court when I missed a shot, hitting myself in the calf with the racket (to the point of serious bruising) when I lost a point. I was told that if I smashed my racket into the ground, there would be serious consequences, so I used my body instead. Consequences still ensued...

I was never a great tennis player, and I was ok with that, but winning is far more fun than its less popular counterpart, so I worked hard to do that more often.

It should be noted that my basketball career didn't turn out nearly as stellar as I had once dreamed. I didn't play in the WNBA. I didn't play in the Olympics. I didn't get to play at my college of choice. I was never able to break into the career of coaching, and I'm not even using that free college education I worked so hard to attain. Oh, unless you consider the job of running a household and educating my children daily. Then, sure, I only use it every day. But even though things didn't work out according to my plans and my dreams, I don't blame the system. I don't blame my coaches. I don't blame my parents. Sometimes, things just don't work out, but we need to stop thinking there is something seriously flawed in a system where every child doesn't grow up to become a major success. That's LIFE. And success can be marked in sooooo many different ways.

No one is great at everything, everyone has different talents and gifts, and instead of making parents feel guilty about labeling their children great or, God forbid, "elite," maybe we should all just find different ways of encouraging our children in their gifts.Their greatness does not have to be in comparison to others. Teach them how to compete with themselves, and how to be the best version of themselves they can be.

So what if your child isn't the best kid on the basketball team. Maybe they're great at a different sport. Maybe they are really musically talented. Maybe they are very bright and excel in school rather easily. Maybe they are a beautiful dancer. Maybe they are incredibly artistic. Maybe they have gifts which cannot be measured in medals, trophies, or ribbons. My word, what a joy to hear someone compliment the heart of your child! That they may have a great heart for humanity and desire to serve and help others!

But don't stifle the greatness of other children because it offends you. Don't judge parents, trying to make a better life for their child because you don't like the way they're doing it.

But also, please, tell me all about how we are avoiding raising up elitist, entitled, pompous cuss words by removing the goals? Please tell me, how are we teaching our children the value of hard work and commitment in sports leagues where coaches are told to play every player equally, no matter how many practices they may have missed? Please, please, please teach me about how we are teaching our children about losing and failure in leagues which refuse to keep score, schools which no longer rank their students, and talent shows with no ribbons, because we don't want to hurt their feelings? That's a little bit pot and kettle, don't ya think?

It does not have to be one extreme or the other, but what exactly are you teaching your child when you remove their opportunity to be great?  

I no longer have goals or aspirations to be the best basketball player I can be, but the lessons spill over. I want to lose this 75 lbs (that's right, SEVENTY-FIVE POUNDS) of pregnancy weight. I don't need to be the skinniest, the fittest, the most elite mom in the world. I want to be the best mom I can be, and I just can't do that feeling the way I feel right now. I know that that fat isn't going to burn itself, and my whining about other mothers losing pregnancy weight better than I can, isn't going to do the trick either. So I will hop off my high horse, and work for it. :-P

But seriously, you do what you do. Raise your child how you see fit, and I will continue to encourage my children in their talents and gifts, whatever they may be. I may even instill hope in them, that they might be able to reach their dreams one day, no matter how unlikely, and I may even utilize tools such as travel teams, elite teams, and AAU programs to help them to get there, if they so desire. I just might. But I can do those things, and still teach them how to be decent human beings.

Yours truly,
A less than stellar, average really, former but not bitter, athlete, who truly enjoyed the "race."

Monday, April 13, 2015

The Disastrously Successful Outing

I never get to see the doctor. That is, any doctor that is not checking on an in utero child of mine. My husband only has one day a week where he is off early enough to schedule appointments for kids, dog, myself, etc, during other people's business hours. Friday afternoons. That's all I get. And up until recently, those afternoons were taken up with my OB check ups. Any free ones were quickly taken up by my husband's dentist appointments, children's check ups, car inspections and oil changes. Fridays are super fun. So, as always, I haven't seen a dentist now in almost 3 years, and I've been wearing the same contacts (the trial pair given me at my last appointment, because like a complete idiot, I kept forgetting to order the prescription) for 10 months. By the way, I thought they were 3 month lenses. Turns out, there's no such thing, and they were actually 2 week lenses. So I was even less responsible about my eye care than I originally thought. Woops. So this past week, my eyes got to such a state of dry irritation, that something HAD to be done. The WalMart doctor was booked solid on Saturday, so I, going without contacts or glasses at all, had no other choice but to make an appointment for Monday afternoon which meant taking all four children with me. Oy.

I was optimistic. I could do this. Easy. Make sure Charlotte's nursing schedule works out so that she eats about 30 minutes before we have to leave. Easy. Make sure we complete at least half of our school lessons before we leave. Easy. Make sure Isaac's diaper is changed and the three older children are ready to go out the door before I pack up the baby. Noooo problem.

We did no school. None. I didn't get a single lesson in, between the needs of each child, the dog, myself, there was never the time to get started, so I gave up. Then, I forgot to take into account the number one rule of being a baby. They are always in desperate need of something at the exact time you should be walking out the door. I knew I was in trouble when Charlotte wanted to nurse at about 10 am. She eats about every two and a half hours during the day, so that would mean her next feeding would be at my appointment time of 12:30. Greeeeaaat. I tried like heck to squeeze in a feeding at noon (which was when we should have been heading out the door). Though she acted all about it and hungry as anything, that 30 minutes early feeding resulted in a whole lot of spit up. At 12:20 I was finally getting her strapped in, no time for an outfit change. She spit up more all over the car seat. At 12:25 I was getting everyone into the car. I forgot the infant carrier. Turn around, get it, she spits up some more, this time, hitting her car seat cover. We were in the car to leave by 12: 32, two minutes after my appointment time. 

I also forgot to take into account the nice weather. Oh, as soon as the sun shines in Buffalo, there's a traffic jam any given time of day, so we proceeded to our destination at a snail's pace. I arrived in the WalMart parking lot at 12:48. Now, there is no way of looking like a seasoned, experienced mother while trying to get 4 kids out of a car, including a toddler and infant, and not lose one to one of the ever so famous WalMart parking lot speed demons, who pay no mind to pedestrians.

I had the oldest two crawl out first, while I was strapping Charlotte into the infant carrier on my chest. They were so thrilled to be outside, in sunshine and warmth, that Chastity nearly darted out behind the van. "Stay RIGHT next to me!" I yelled, wishing I could duct tape them to the side of the van while I got everything. As I strapped Charlotte on, with careful burp cloth placement, my cell phone fell out of the diaper bag, crashing onto the pavement, battery flying. No time to put that back together, I threw the pieces into the diaper bag, and asked Chastity to hold the bag...which she promptly grabbed from the bottom, nearly turning the whole, open thing, upside down, "Chastity!" I took the bag back, zipped it back up, handed it to Elijah. Except the keys were in it, and I still hadn't gotten Isaac or the stroller out of the car. I took the bag back, got my keys, got Isaac into the stroller somehow, and by 12:56 we were on our way. That's right. 8 whole minutes at the van. Not even inside yet.

Disastrously successful. That's the optimist in me. I could have titled this, Successfully Disastrous, but I felt that would have been misleading. It was not, in fact, a complete disaster, because once we got inside, everything changed. The doctors were all incredibly patient and understanding. Charlotte slept through the whole appointment, right on my chest. Isaac sat in the stroller, playing with his car quietly while the doctor examined me. Elijah and Chastity sat in the waiting room, just two doors down, reading the books I had told them to pack. (Yay me, for remembering to pack entertainment! Win!) The whole thing took just under an hour, from appointment to frame fitting, to paying. And just as we were about to walk away, the woman who had checked me in, asked me, "What is your trick?"

"I'm sorry?" I asked, not understanding the question.

"What is your trick, you know, to such well behaved kids?" She smiled, "They are so well behaved!"

Oh, you know, frequent whoopings, I thought to myself, but decided she may not find that funny. I laughed, "I couldn't even tell you," I shook my head in disbelief of how smoothly that actually went. "We've just been blessed with these great kids!"

We walked away, and I took the kids to pick out a treat from the cookie isle.

That whole time, I was acting like a spaz. I was throwing tantrums. First rushing Charlotte through a feeding, in a panic about being late, then yelling at traffic, which is completely unproductive. Then muttering under my breath about my broken phone.

These kids were being dragged somewhere boring, somewhere they didn't want to be, when all they wanted was to go to the park. They were ripped from their normal, daily schedule, and asked to be still, be quiet, and behave in strange surroundings. And in spite of my own spaztacular behavior, they did so, no questions asked. They did not blink an eye at the things which were out of their control, and if I don't try, with all my strength, to be more like them, they, will inevitably become more like me.

Yes, they deserved the day off from school. They deserved cookies, they deserve the park, and, no matter how tired I may be, they deserve fun mom! Not beat down, dog tired, grumpy, whiny mom, who begs them to never act that way themselves.

Fun mom is putting on her shoes. Let's do this.

Thursday, March 26, 2015

Playing Peek-a-Boo From the Trenches

When I was a first time mommy, I can remember friends asking me, "How is it?" "How's it going?" I was one of the first of my close friends to get married and start a family. My response was always a positive, "Great! It's amazing!" not because I was trying to prove to everyone that I had it all together, but because I was genuinely oblivious of the hardships of motherhood. You do what you have to do and the rewards far exceed the difficulties. Money, finances, paying the bills, owning a home...oh. my. GOSH, home ownership! No body warns you about how difficult that is, and what's the reward? A roof over your heads? Just like you had before when you were renting? Yeah. Swell. But these are the difficult things. These are the things I stressed over, but motherhood? I was born to be a mother. It felt like the easiest, most natural thing ever. So, maybe I wasn't the best person to ask if you were looking a less biased response.

Fast forward to 2015 and 4 kids later. It's not so easy. The rewards are still immeasurable, but the difficulties...well, a little harder to overlook.

Every additional child somehow makes for double the laundry, so my laundry responsibilities have doubled FOUR times in the last 8 years. Each additional child means less time for cleaning but double the mess, more phone calls and appointments to make and less time to make them, more noise, less quiet. And each child comes with their own set of rules. This one can't be put on his belly or he'll scream til he pukes. This one needs to stay upright for 30 minutes after eating, or she pukes. This one won't drink day old breast milk...or he pukes. All the rules somehow involve puking.

Now I have four. I'm homeschooling two and trying to coax the third into sitting just long enough to color half a page. All the while trying to keep the fourth guessed it...puking.

She is not going to be a basketball player, I'm certain. She couldn't hit the broad side of a barn with that puke. I need an adult sized bib to cover my chest and shoulders while burping her. As it is, I will use a large receiving blanket, because burp cloths are tiny and useless, and she will lean and scrape and crawl until she has the blanket pulled out of her way and a clear shot to vomit down between my boobs. On second thought, maybe she will be a baller, a scrappy one, and she likes a challenge.

And oddly enough, her "I'm gonna puke!" screaming and clawing is strangely similar to her "I need to eat!" screaming and clawing. Imagine an adult running around, frantically searching the cupboards for food right before puking. That's what life is like with her right now. And what's a mom to do when her new baby is clawing and scraping and rooting around for what I can only assume is sustenance? I feed her, and get rewarded with double the puke.

I could free up a lot of time in my days if she could keep her food down. Truth. 

So, it's harder to overlook all of that from the trenches, where I am outnumbered, trying not to get taken out by projectiles, and trying to keep everyone else calm. The days go by faster and slower all at the same these never-ending days which somehow pass me by weeks and months at a time.

But then there's a slow, quiet lull, a moment for me to peak up over the trench, somewhat skeptical of my safety, and find my toddler lovingly wiping the spit up from the babies mouth while my two oldest read to her and bounce her in her chair. And I am reminded that the rewards still far exceed the difficulties, no matter how much laundry cleaning puke is thrown at me, because each additional child means double the love, so the love in my home has doubled FOUR times in the last 8 years. ;-)

Tuesday, March 3, 2015

From Charlotte to Charlotte: the Birth of a New Chapter

In the words of my husband, in his best mockery of LeBron James ever, "We have four kids; not one, not two, not three, BUT FOUR kids!"

You see, this was the dream. When we began dating and discussing the things we wanted in life, we both knew that we wanted four children. However, our opinions on that changed after the third. I do not enjoy pregnancy, my body rebels against me during it. In fact, labor and delivery is easier on me than the actual pregnancy. And my babies aren't little, y'all!

So after our third child, we took a hard look at our family and tried to decide if we were ok with this. I was unsure. We seemed incomplete, but at the same time, I really didn't want to go through all of that again. I had been looking forward to getting back into shape, and playing some basketball again. Then, last spring, my sweet daughter cried to me about how much she wanted a little sister. We couldn't guarantee her one, of course, but as a gal with sisters of my own, it broke my heart that we may not even try to give that gift to our own daughter. My response to her, "Pray about it." After all, that's pretty much where her daddy and I were in the thought process ourselves.

Just a few months later, SURPRISE! We were actually visiting my sister in North Carolina when I had a sneaking suspicion that I could possibly be pregnant. Sure enough, it was confirmed just a couple weeks later. I will admit, I was a little concerned as to how my daughter would react if we found out we were having another boy, but she calmed my nerves just a couple of weeks before that ultrasound, "Mommy, I really want a sister, but I will love him if it's a brother too." Melt my heart!

Then, if you read The Anti-Climactic Gender Reveal, you know that my daughter was actually the very first to know that she would, in fact, have a little sister. So fitting.

So this past Saturday, February 28, our little surprise, and Chastity's answer to prayer, arrived. I spent the last few weeks of the pregnancy in excruciating pain from my back to my hips, to my knees and ankles. I could barely make it up our stairs. My husband and I continually expressed our excitement that this was almost over. "Ugh, I am never doing this again!"

Then, yesterday, as we pulled away from the hospital, and my husband was still expressing how awesome it is to be done with all of that, a very strange and unexpected feeling washed over me. Suddenly my annoyed and irritated, "Ugh, I am never doing this again!" turned into a sad inner panic of, "Oh my gosh! I am never doing this again!" As we drove off, the hospital disappeared into the distance and a slow motion reel of every birthing experience I had ever had played through my mind, from my C-section with Elijah to my first, miraculous VBAC with Chastity, to the amazing and shocking VBACs of Isaac and Charlotte, my 9lb 11 oz and 10 lb babies (ok, she was 9lbs 15.8 ounces, but give me that 10).

I don't want to be pregnant again. It probably wouldn't even be wise, knowing all the problems I just had with my body. However, knowing that a door is closed on that chapter of our lives we only dreamed about just a short time ago, brings waves of emotions and uncontrollable rolling tears to this face of a woman who just birthed a 10 lb baby without crying. Seriously.

Exactly 8 years ago, we were beside ourselves with joy in the very early stages of our first pregnancy. It was all new and exciting. We could still hardly believe we were married, let alone increasing in numbers! We were living in a small apartment in Charlotte, NC, when this exciting journey began, and our family took it's first steps. Now, our own little (big) Charlotte Hope, completes that journey, ending that chapter of our lives, and beginning a new one.

As I watch my husband play with the kids in the living room, while Charlotte sleeps peacefully in her chair, I know that this sadness for a time now gone may never fully go away, but I can comfort myself in knowing that she is not so much the end of a chapter, but rather, the beginning of a new one.

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

Next Week on Seinfeld: The Unfriend

Have you ever witnessed a child handle a dispute? As a parent, have you ever removed yourself from a situation and just observed your children, with each other or with friends, solve a problem themselves? If you have not, I would encourage you to give it a try. The next time you feel you need to interfere with all your mom (or dad!) power, and break up a potential disaster, sit back and watch it unfold. It might surprise you!

Now, allow me to digress for a moment.

Maybe I'm too vocal. Maybe I'm too trusting. Maybe I believe far too much in the power of people's intelligence and abilities to see varying opinions and multiple sides of a story, but I have been the victim of the most powerful, most poignant, yet most passive aggressive diss this new generation has to offer, more times than I can count. This generation doesn't know about "diss." ;-)

I have been unfriended.


There are times I stumble upon it and I am pretty certain it wasn't personal. Someone I hardly talked with anyway, just cleaning up their friends list. I get it. But a vast majority of the time, it is because we have a difference of opinion.

I have even had someone once admit to me that their opinions of people change when they find out they disagree on a particularly passionate topic. What? Am I the only person who doesn't really understand that?

An article was recently released about how Tim McGraw will be losing fans because he has stepped out and shown his support for President Obama, and that's just a big country music no no among his more conservative peers. That is weird to me. Why would I suddenly stop supporting him as a musician just because we have a difference in political opinion? Is he less of an artist? Is he less of a husband? Is he less of a father? The latter two, of course, being things I don't know about him for sure, but have reason to believe that he's a pretty stand up guy.

I recently went to listen to Magic Johnson, an avid Obama supporter, speak at a local university. Does his support of a president I don't necessarily agree with make him less of a basketball legend? Am I less impressed by him as an individual? As a business man? No, this stuff all seems like nonsense to me.

And these are the things by which I am constantly judged by my peers. I am accused of not having an open mind, while my friends with different opinions than mine are deleting me left and right. I for one, am interested in human beings and their humanness, not the color of their skin, not their looks, not their opinions, but who they are. I deeply enjoy finding common ground, a common respect, or an understanding with some of the most unlikely people. Because, the truth is, no matter what our religious beliefs or political opinions, we are all people with people we love, with concerns for our futures, our families' futures. We don't have to constantly draw lines in the sand, or worse, burn bridges, with our friendships!

Back to the kids. I could write a book about all the lessons I've learned from my children, but watching them handle a disagreement is one of the most beautifully simple things I have ever witnessed. They do not always play in the same ways as others. They do not always want to do the same things as their friends, or even as each other. But they can vocalize that honestly, and then move on. It's like a miracle. Like huge "a-ha" moment miracle of epic friendship proportions. Wait. What? You mean it's ok to tell your friend, "I don't like that," "Don't do that," or "I don't want to do that right now," and then just go about your play like nothing happened? Do you mean to tell me that grudges aren't mandatory during these situations? What about the other friend, on the receiving end? She's just ok with that? Ok, maybe not always. Maybe sometimes, moms have to intervene to suggest a compromise. They are learning, after all, but I have witnessed my children come of an age that finally understands the meaning of a compromise, and turn taking, and sharing, and they resolve so many of these issues themselves, and then, get this, they still love each other and have a blast together! Truly miraculous.

At church a few weeks ago, I was speaking with my friend while our daughters played.
One to the other: I don't like that. Don't do that.
Other: Ok.
Then one suggested another idea that they do, and off they went, full of excitement!

I paused my conversation with my friend to ask her if she had just seen what I witnessed. We both laughed over the simplicity of it, and how that doesn't usually fly among adult friends. "Oh, you don't like that?" UNFRIEND! "Oh, you don't agree with me?" UNFRIEND! "That is not the way I would play that game." UNFRIEND! The ultimate diss. I imagine that a Seinfeld episode of today could do this small and brief story justice, don't you?

Life gets more complicated than games and toys and nicknames we may not like. That's for sure. But why do we insist on changing the simplicity of friendship? Hey, ya know what? I like you. No, wait, actually, I love you. I think you are an awesome human being. I think there is more to you than which way you vote. I think, in life and love, we probably have a lot in common, but we are allowed to be different. We're allowed to think differently. We're allowed to have problems. We're allowed to resolve them, and we're allowed, still, to disagree. But ya know what else? We're allowed to pick ourselves back up off the floor and have some fun together.

My dad always used to say to me, "People are like water. They seek their own level." If this stands true, then the level I seek is not the level of your political correctness or the level of your republican or democrat loyalties, or even the level of your sainthood. The level I wish to seek is the level of love...filled with cheese. Because who doesn't love that? :)