Fashion Train Wrecked Pregnancy

It is my personal opinion that the designers of all maternity clothes have never worn their own clothes, never been pregnant at all, or possibly don't have the right parts to ever get pregnant. Thus, my month long writer's block has been lifted by my crabby, mommy complaints.

I'm not even sure where to begin here, but let's start with the sizes, shall we? Everything you've ever read will tell you that you should stick to the same sizes you wear normally, but apply them to maternity clothes. Sure, that might work for some gals, for the lucky, blessed, not-quite-human, gals who don't get bigger anywhere but the mid-section. Good for them. The special gals, like myself, get bigger everywhere from head to toe. My socks don't even fit me normally right now, and I'm only 21 weeks along. So no, the same size rule does not apply to me. I'm normally a 10/12 or M/L. During pregnancy I become a 14/16 and a L/XL. Next.

To piggy back on that just a bit, do clothing companies realize that when an XL shirt is needed it is not needed for the neckline or the sleeves? Just because I need an XL does not mean I need the neckline to go halfway down my back and front, and the sleeves to go halfway down my sides, causing me to showcase more of my extra large self. Next.

I am on my third pregnancy and I have yet to find a pair of maternity jeans that don't slide down. I don't want to be that mom who goes everywhere in sweats. It makes me feel sloppy and lazy, but sweatpants are the only pants that I don't have to pull up every two minutes. Maternity pants don't just slide down either. Noooo. Maternity pants will take your underwear with them. So, congratulations. You're not the sloppy mom in sweatpants. You are the disgusting mom who has to reach down her pants to pull everything back up. I've tried them all; the pants you wear below the belly, and the pants with the belly band sewn into them to cover the belly. The latter are the absolute worst. They'll slide down, taking your underwear too of course, and then you can't pull them up without going under your shirt too. Now you've graduated to the mom who has to go under her shirt and down her pants to keep her clothes on. Isn't that a beautiful thing? What is so hard about putting the waistband of sweatpants on maternity pants? Maybe it looks weird, and maybe the protruding drawstring is an eye sore, but at least you're not digging down your pants for your underwear. Next.

Who in the world thinks that horizontal stripes are perfect for pregnant women???? I had this issue last summer when I went shopping after I had lost weight. I think very few people can pull off horizontal stripes, pregnant or not, but they were apparently the trend then, and I guess they still are. Last week my mom took me shopping for new maternity clothes. Nearly ever rack had horizontal stripes on it, because that's exactly what I'm looking for. I was hoping to have stripes stretched out over my growing belly like an ill advised tattoo.

We don't all have the money of celebrities to have our maternity clothes tailored to fit our bodies, so I guess I will suffer through. In the meantime, just turn away if you see me reach for my pants, but by all means, let me know if my neckline has fallen down to my belly. Thanks.